Open Letter to the Family Research Council

by | Nov 4, 2014 | Thoughts

Family Research Council,

Don’t be alarmed, this is an electronic correspondence. It is the modern day equivalent to drawing on cave walls, which is how I assume you communicate with your fellow barbarians. I am writing to extend an invitation to your council on behalf of the human population to join the rest of us in the 21st century.

Here in the 21st century, or present day as I like to call it, we have so many cool things. We have technology (what I am currently using to write this); a variety of vehicles that can travel by air, water, and land; advanced education; modern medicine to treat diseases like the plague; and a diverse population that, with some exceptions, is equal to one another. In addition, we also have HD TV, Netflix, and Veuve Clicquot.

I know you don’t like change and prefer your hierarchical herd of uncivilized lowlifes to stick to their ways, but don’t you think it might be fun to try out all that the 21st century has to offer? Truffle mac and cheese has to beat tree bark, and watching “Revenge” for sure tops watching your third cousins kill each other in between hyena stampedes. Or, you could watch my reality show when it debuts, “In Style With Kyle”— a show that follows the luxurious life of a fabulous and sassy gay boy taking Miami one shopping spree at a time.

Wait, you didn’t catch the part after gay? Ok listen, you’re a homo I’m a homo, the only difference is that yours follows with -sapien and mine follows with -sexual. Get, the hell, over it. I’m literally so over your stupidity and your unwillingness to accept that there is more to life than just black and white. Open your eyes, there is a whole damn rainbow that starts in heaven and ends right where I’m standing. Which leads me to my next point, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I don’t have a relationship with God. I take my faith very seriously, and it’s insulting to not only myself but also Him, that you would try to belittle the connection between Our Father and one of his children. I’m pretty sure that is more of a sin than me having a relationship with another man.

Oh wait, that’s right, having a relationship with someone of the same sex is NOT a sin in eyes of God. Having sex out of marriage is however, regardless of the couple’s orientation. So you might want to tell your 14 year-old son to stop banging the girl five caves down. According to your logic, he’s going to hell. Lucky for him, God forgives those who want to be forgiven because He has this thing called understanding and tolerance— you might want to try it sometime.

Just to clarify even more, the purpose of a marriage is to reproduce. In His eyes, if there is no intent to reproduce between the couple, then the sacrament of marriage does not occur, which means the marriage is invalid, which means when you go on your lame ass honeymoon and collect the seeds of your fruit into tip of your condom, you’re committing the same sin you’re protesting outside in Houston, literally the same exact sin.

Which reminds me, don’t you have a job or something? How do you have so much free time to just waste doing pointless things that you clearly know absolutely nothing about. Personally, I’m extremely busy and hardly find time in the day to even sleep. Maybe if you had some education, you could get a real job, and see how the rest of us actually have a purpose in life. Anyway, I’m so done with you. You need Jesus and clearly a translator because your demonstrations prove you literally know nothing. You probably didn’t even understand any of this, and I just don’t have the time to draw this out in stick figures on a clay wall for you. Regardless, the invitation still stands to join the rest of us, as long as you’re willing to accept other people. You don’t have to embrace them, God knows I don’t, but acceptance is a no brainer. Sorry I didn’t mean to sound insensitive to your empty head.

To all of my fellow residents of the 21st century, you should follow The New Civil Rights Movement. They post incredibly insightful articles, including the one I am responding to in this post, which I suggest you all read here.

Have a Gay Day,